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  #1  
Old 02-22-2005, 10:53 PM
sweetlady sweetlady is offline
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Okay, I've read the thread now.

I'm going to make a really wild, out of the blue, odd suggestion. From some of the sounds of it, she may want to be dominated. I would need more information to be certain, but that's how it sounds.

http://www.castlerealm.com/

This is an excellent site to help you understand women who want or need this.

The first most important and serious thing I can tell you about this is this... whatever you do, go about bringing it up with absolute love, care, and concern. It's not a simple thing, and it's important that you introduce her to the idea slowly and build up trust. If you discover that she's a submissive woman, and the next day tell her to get on her knees and suck you off, you'll ruin everything in one instant. Don't do it, you'll destroy her emotionally and mentally with that bullshit.

And the next thing I want to say is that you should never, ever, at any time, assume that just because she's submissive and wants to be dominated (IF YOU DISCOVER THAT AT ALL) it means she wants to be hurt or given pain. Particularly in the asian culture, domination is mental, not physical, so it's unlikely that she'll be interested in whips and chains, you'll have to be more creative than that.

In my opinion, and that's all it is, and please, please, tread carefully here.... she is a submissive woman. She does look to you for guidance, thus she expects YOU to the one who tells her whether or not it's digusting to do this or that. But in order to be able to tell her that it's desirable behavior from her, you must earn her trust on a deep, fundamental level.

Notice I said EARN it. Keep in mind that to truly dominate a woman, it must be something she's aware of, and that she's GIVING to you. All control over another person is given. As a submissive who left my controlling (note I didn't say dominating, but controlling) husband who decided to force control over me, let me tell you that it's a rough road to recovery and to allowing yourself to trust again afterwards.

That is the effect you can have on this woman... you can teach her that her submissive nature (again, assuming that's how she is!! and she may not be!!!!) is a good, beautiful, desirable, wonderful thing. Or, you can destroy her by preying upon it and being a devourer who violently attempts to rip her freedom from her. If you do the second, you WILL lose in the end, it WILL come back to bite you horribly and painfully.



I am offering this site to you, as it seems that you may have a woman on your hands who "needs your guidance and instruction" and actually wants it to be thus.

It teaches you how to guide from a hand of gentleness and compassion, how to be a loving "master" instead of a demonic destroying incubus. It teaches you your responsibilities, it guides you in the proper approach to her and in how to protect her and meet her needs. That is the give and take of this sort of relationship. Do not look into it lightly, because the weight of being a master or "dom/me" is a heavy one, and only a fool attempts it without genuine wisdom, understanding, and caution.

In particular, pay close close attention to this particular page before even THINKING about approaching her with the concept: http://www.castlerealm.com/subspace/subneed.htm

And again, if you are not ready to accept a VERY heavy responsibility, don't even think about clicking those links, because you will fail if you are not ready to become truly responsible and to have the overwhelming, omnipresent weight of having someone else's life and hopes in your hands. If you think about that for a while, and don't get a sense of awe and fear so intense it gives you goosebumps and moves you nearly to tears, you're not ready to even consider it. It's that important, it's that heavy a responsibility.
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  #2  
Old 02-22-2005, 11:01 PM
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Lilith Lilith is offline
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I'm curious as to what you read that makes you suggest this?
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  #3  
Old 02-22-2005, 11:07 PM
sweetlady sweetlady is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilith
I'm curious as to what you read that makes you suggest this?


He has repeated several times that she appears to be looking to him for advice and for guidance. In spite of the several times that he has "mis spoken" his intentions, it appears to me that he genuinely cares for her, and he wishes to provide the guidance she's seeking, but he's frustrated as to how to do it. I'm suggesting that he read the site, and talk with her about her feelings, because if she keeps coming to him and seeking guidance, it's entirely possible that she bases all of her "what's dirty and what's not" on the word of those whom she sees as authority figures, and has no real sense of what SHE thinks of as being actually dirty or wrong. This is typical submissive behavior.

(EDIT: It would also cause her to feel like doing something "dirty" will run him off, even if she may be intrigued or interested in it. It's a whole other thing when told to do it than when having to make a decision to do it or not, and take the risk of being seen as dirty or bad by someone whose opinion matters extremely greatly to you.)

I am further explaining to him that if he wants to become that authority figure whose viewpoints she accepts as being "right" he will have to earn it and quit trying to just wrestle it away from her. If he wants to learn the responsible, mature, intelligent way of becoming someone whom she trust to tell her (again, ASSUMING SHE IS SUBMISSIVE) what is and what is not "appropriate" then he will have to learn to take responsibility, and to accept guidance himself before he can ever, ever hope to guide someone else.

But you can feel free to remove my posts if you want, doesn't matter to me, was just trying to offer my insights, pathetic though they may be.

Last edited by sweetlady : 02-22-2005 at 11:22 PM.
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  #4  
Old 02-22-2005, 11:21 PM
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Lilith Lilith is offline
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I agree it's submissive behavior but does not mean she has any urge/need/desire/consciousness to enter into a dominant/submissive sexual relationship like that of the BDSM lifestyle. If "submission is a gift" the giver must consciously give it and not simply be someone who has not found their own way yet. She seems to be a virgin who is naturally forming her ideas of sexuality based on external ideas. Once she has some experiences to build on then she will be better prepared to make decisions about what she wants/needs/believes from her own internal sources. I see your reasoning but respectfully disagree with your suggestion. No reason to remove your post...we are all posting as arm chair quarterbacks seeing as how none of us really know the circumstances from her point of view. Your opinion is as worthy as anyone's.
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The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§

~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas
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  #5  
Old 02-22-2005, 11:27 PM
sweetlady sweetlady is offline
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That's why I was careful to give a site that stresses repeatedly and constantly the need for both partners to be aware. And again, this is not so much a BDSM site, it is almost, but not quite, exclusively a D/s site. I have already stated that he should NOT assume she desires pain. This site stresses the importance of consentual understanding by both partners. It stresses knowing the limits of your partner and not crossing them, and the partner having full understanding of what the relationship is.

There are elements of the BDSM there, but the vast majority of the site is devoted to the D/s portion of the relationship and the responsibilities the dominant partner has.
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  #6  
Old 02-23-2005, 12:14 AM
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Lilith Lilith is offline
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I'm familiar with the site...just seems fruitless to me. I obviously just see this situation differently than you do. She has stated her limits in wanting to retain her virginity (which could be seen as anything but submissive) but he mentions attempting to remove her "blocks". IMO that's not the sign of a person who makes a good Dom (respecting limits). Nothing I've read suggests she has the background to know whether she would consciously choose submission. And reading a website, no matter how wonderful it is, is not going to give her real life experiences to help her make those choices. I agree it's a great site but I think it's sort of putting the cart before the horse in this case. I suppose we all draw our conclusions based on our own personal experiences and from my experience this situation doesn't scream D/s to me. I'm sure some would argue that broadening one's knowledge base is never fruitless.
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The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§

~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas
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  #7  
Old 02-23-2005, 01:36 AM
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Mark Vieth Mark Vieth is offline
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You 2 aren't getting into a cat fight over little old me are you? lol

Seriously though, she isn't a sub nor am I a dom. I'm just your average Jo who has stumbled upon a beautiful cherry blossom. Now sex isn't the issue here. Just to fill in a blank here as well, she tried masturbation the other night and as it was her first time it was all new to her and as such nothing happened. Anyway, moving on. The one thing I have asked her to do, is to keep an open mind with new things. Nothing more. I am taking my time with her and only pushing in a gentle manner. I am only moving at her pace with a slight bump from me. I am gaining her trust slowly.

I do understand and respect that it is her decission in the end. I am not stupid. Each of us is different when it comes to sex. I remember my first time which I have posted on a thread on the subject. It is as scary as hell delving into the unknown. All I am attempting to do is to hold her hand through the murky waters. She is in Malaysia until Friday and she get's back to Australia on saturday. Now the last time I saw her was last year as she had to leave to see family in Malaysia. So physically nothing has happened. I do talk with her via msn and have got a good rapor going. So far, I have done everything in a respectful manner. Cheeky sure, (who isn't?) we have a few laughs and that is that. I am beginning to understand her more now as we have gradually progressed. That is what's important.

It may seem as though I have done a 180 here. All I can say is the advice given to me in here, has shown me that in order to get to point Z from point A, I have to go through all the other ones first. That is what I am doing.
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