TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop that creepy ENGINEER guy from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked:

1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

BROKEN LEG

"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

LESSER KNOWN HUSSEIN RELATIVES

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated , a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:
Sooflay ..................the restauranteur
Guday................... the half-Australian brother
Huray.................... the sports fanatic
Bejay......................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay....................the baseball player
Ojay........................the stalker / murderer
Gulay......................the singer / entertainer
Ebay.......................the internet czar
Biliray......................the country music star
Ecksray...................the radiologist
Puray.......................the blender factory owner
Regay......................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay......................the one with bad hair:

Among the sisters:
Pusay.......................the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay........................the coffee shop owner
Bufay.........................the 300 pound sister
Dushay......................the clean sister
Phayray.....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway..................the grocery store owner
Ollay..........................the half-mexican sister
Gudlay........................the prostitute
More will no doubt be discovered.

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There's someone in my head, but it's not not me - Pink Floyd

WORDS OF WISDOM

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, that's not going to happen.

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday...lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.

18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

19. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

20. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Man says to his wife "why do you never tell me when you Cum"

Wife says "I don't like to bother you at work!!!"

Get yourself together and try reading this out loud. It will take at least a handful of tries because you're laughing so hard. Sorry if this is repeated but it is way to funny not to post it again.

JUST LIKE A MAN WITH A NEW TOY!!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone withthis new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going togive this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note:If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my since of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift,and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

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DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

It ain't easy being a dick.

Got a head ya' can't think with.

Got an eye ya' can't see with.

Got to hang around with two nuts all the time.

Have a closet neighbor who's a real asshole.

Best friend is a pussy.

And, worst of all, everytime ya' get excited, ya' throw up.

His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate lots of prunes --------------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -----------------------Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -----------------------------A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------- -------------- Fla min Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------- Go Gogh
his niece who travels the country in an RV ---- Winnie Bay Gogh


I saw you smiling! . . . there ya' Gogh!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Funny stuff
I love it

Nah, it's just another spammer.

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Eudaimonia

Two Norwegian men were driving near Mt. Horab, a Norwegian community in Wisconsin, when they noticed a large billboard sign advertising free sex with a 15 gallon fill-up of gas. Thinking this sounded like too good of a deal to be true, they both decided to check it out and went into town and stopped at the gas station. They filled up their car with gas and went into pay. Before handing over the money, they asked the station manager about the free sex.

"Well," said the manager, "it's not quite that simple. First you need to take a simple test and if you pass, you get the free sex. What you do is try and guess the number I am thinking of between One and Five."

The men looked at each other and decided to try the number, Three.

"Wrong," said the manager, the number I was thinking of was Two, but you can come back again and try to win."

The Norwegian men left the gas station disappointed and drove away. While in their car, one looks over and says to the other, "Hey, Ole, I bet that manager cheated us. You know he could have said any number and how would we know if it was the right number?"

His friend looked at him and replied, "No you're wrong, he didn't cheat us. My wife won four times just last week!"

For the Aussies, but the basics are universal.

A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. " "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that as of early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero as the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

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