There's no question too strange for this place, honest. And truthfully, I'm sure I'm not going to be the only person to tell you that's not a strange question. You're really and truly not the first person to be in that sort of space.

I can't offer you a first hand answer...it's a nightmare that I've never had to live. But I have heard second hand that it's not all that uncommon for people who have been hurt to go back to that place for fantasies. It's not an unnatural or sick thing...it's just that in their minds (possibly your mind), arousal and that sort of pain got linked by experience. It's no different than people who have a striking fondness for the back seats of cars because that's where they had their earliest experiences. Or, in my case, living room couches . Your associations are different, but they don't mean you're bent or broken.


That said, forgive me for reading between the lines if I say that it sounds like you'd rather not have this particular kink. If it were me, and it was something I'd "always had a problem with" I'd definately go track down a professional to talk it out with. Information always makes me feel better about things, and it's the psychiatrists/psychologists that have the information you might be after. Believe me, this I DO know, it won't shock them, surprise them, or freak them out. They won't judge, and they can help....if that's a path you want to follow.

But I'd also recommend a book that's helped friends of mine. It's called "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" by Staci Haines. She's not a doctor, but she is a survivor. And I know she talks about exactly the sorts of pain/arrousal connections you're asking about. It's available on Amazon, and easy to get. And to my mind sounds like it's just what you're looking for.

Anyway...that's all off the top of my head. Leaving me to welcome you to Pixie's and congratulate you for starting off with a brave and open post. I'm looking forward to seeing you around the boards!

G