OK, so as someone who often finds herself being asked for advice, I'm quite familiar with people asking for it, then ignoring it, then getting upset when the shit hits the fan.

At that point, I usually just walk away and say, 'well I warned you not to come crying to me....'. Normally people's pride and better judgement usually means that they go cry on someone else's shoulder, which is fine by me, and understandable, as no-one likes to hear 'I told you so'.

However....what if that someone is someone who's very close to you? So close, that in fact, you know that if they don't follow your advice, their problem will soon become your problem?

I'm currently in this position with a family member.....as much as I've tried to explain to her the dangers of her actions, she continues down the same path of destruction, and I am the one who has to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong, which it inevitably does. Since she is a family member, her pain is my pain and though I try to remain emotionally detached there are times when her problems encroach and affect my life. (The last time this happened, for example, was the day before FussyPucker's 30th Birthday, when, amongst other things I was supposed to be making him a cake. He did get his cake, in the end, as I stayed up late and rose at dawn to finish it, determined not to let him down as it was important to me that he knew he was not playing second fiddle to my family member's self inflicted problems.)

So I give her sound advice (I know it's sound, because it's exactly the advice she'd give me, if roles were reversed) in the hopes that she'll take it, so that I don't have to be on 'suicide watch' when it all goes to shit. I've even tried telling her, "Well this is my advice, if you don't take it, then I'm not going to help you when it all comes crashing down about your ears" but she doesn't take the advice and she still comes to me with her problems, or someone else will ring me up with the 'I thought you ought to know....' speech and it lands itself right back on my doorstep.

I can't see an end to this as it is a cycle that has perpetuated for many years already. I have a responsibility to Fussy and to my future children to make sure that her issues do not overshadow their needs, as she seems to have no concept of how the way she behaves in the family impacts on others in it. The only thing I can think to do, is to stop wasting my energy on the advice and be supportive and encouraging whatever she says she's going to do (it creates arguments and tension when I try to warn her off certain paths of action 'for her own good') and then be sympathetic when it goes wrong. This goes against my conscience, but since my advice is never heeded, perhaps I'd gain some relief from no longer trying. Whatever action I take, it won't stop her from calling me in floods of tears telling me she's suicidal, something which I've accepted as part of who she is.

So what would you do? Give up trying to be helpful, in the comfort that the less energy you expend on her, the less frustrated you'll be, or continue to try to 'do the right thing' by her knowing that when she ignores the advice at least you know you tried and that your conscience is clear?

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